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Literature Text
Moving through currents of sensation and slow eloquence
Wings beat to valiance
They buzz together as the flower
Opens wide its doors—
No barrier to keep
They stumble in,
The workers of the hive
Nectar sweet and nectar loving
The hate is drowned in simple tasks
Carry back towards honey way
Precision level at utmost high
Pollen added to the whole
Given back
From one to other—
They sing their praises
A valiant tune—
Stockpiling the nectar
They feel like saviors
Heroes go about tasks of truth
While simply acting out their will
Wings beat to valiance
They buzz together as the flower
Opens wide its doors—
No barrier to keep
They stumble in,
The workers of the hive
Nectar sweet and nectar loving
The hate is drowned in simple tasks
Carry back towards honey way
Precision level at utmost high
Pollen added to the whole
Given back
From one to other—
They sing their praises
A valiant tune—
Stockpiling the nectar
They feel like saviors
Heroes go about tasks of truth
While simply acting out their will
Poem I'm writing for a contest. Critique appreciated, as well as any ideas.
© 2004 - 2024 Dark0Dark
Comments18
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The only line that throws me is "Wings of one buzz together as the flower" for some reason 'wings of one' seems wrong to me, but I can't put my finger on it. The mention of heroes at the end seems slightly out of place, like it was just tacked on. Please clue me in if I'm missing an obvious tie-in. I admit I'm 3/4 asleep.
On the whole, it's good stuff. I enjoyed reading it muchly.
The continued metaphor of bees and flowers - nectar and honey - was very well done, except the part where I'm not sure how heroes figure in - unless it's a comment on how well and without fail the gathering is carried out. Hmmm. Maybe I'm only 1/2 asleep . . .
On the whole, it's good stuff. I enjoyed reading it muchly.
The continued metaphor of bees and flowers - nectar and honey - was very well done, except the part where I'm not sure how heroes figure in - unless it's a comment on how well and without fail the gathering is carried out. Hmmm. Maybe I'm only 1/2 asleep . . .